Thursday 20 October 2011

I am still here

I did weigh in.

Have not yet measured.

But I will post as soon as I can! Well, properly!

S. x

Saturday 15 October 2011

Ooh! Win!

So, after my post yesterday about my trousers being waaaaaaaaaaaay too big. I tried on my size twelve jeans west jeans.....

and.

they.

fit!!

YAY!

I could do with losing a bit more of the muffin top but they are on, they're buttoned, they're zipped and they don't look too shabby!  I am so excited!

My aim is to get to a size 10. I have another seven kilos to lose before I get to my goal weight. I'm not 100% sure I'm going to get to that size ten but I will be pretty close.

Putting these jeans on this morning was a HUGE motivation boost. I feel like I'm getting somewhere! I think sometimes you lose weight but can't see immediate results and just give up. At least I do. I've not lost a small amount here, I've lost over ten kilos. But I'm getting there.

Another thing... I'm expecting a gain or no loss this coming Wednesday... I feel crampy and bloated. Yeah, you know whar I mean. Ugh. But onwards! At least I'm prepared for it now so that I won't be disappointed if it happens. It isn't going to stop me. Size ten here I come.

Fitness test next week! Nervous! Excited!

S.

Friday 14 October 2011

Shop windows

I think I'm becoming vain. I keep assessing my silhouette when I'm out in public. Glancing sideways at my reflection as I walk through the shopping centre. I can see a difference! I found myself today, waiting at the doors to allow customers out of our store, staring at myself on the security monitor. Is that really me? I kept turning slightly to the side to see how I looked! Vainity!!

My trousers are falling off me. They are size 16 I think, and I would think I'm now a 12. But they were sliding down all day long and I was loving it. Even if it did make me look terribly unprofessional, having to get up and hike up my clothes haha.

My clothing isn't fitting right. My jeans need a belt. My trousers don't come close to staying up. My tight fitted shirts are baggy, especially around my bust. Why is it you lose weight off your bust but not your thighs? rude. I have people tell me on a daily  basis that they can see I'm losing weight. I am really appreciating hearing it. It makes it feel worthwhile. Like the effort is paying off. Though most people ask if it's because I can't eat due to the grief. No, thank you, this is effort right here. I'm working for this now. The crying off kilos has ended.

I'm down 11 kilos, four since the beginning of the 12wbt. I am earning a new wardrobe.....ooh. I so want to go shopping! I can't afford to. I have to remind myself that I'm a single parent and on a single income and I need to get ahead financially, not be buying pretty dresses....

But surely I need clothes that fit, right?  I remembered today that I get a bonus around Christmas time...which would be right around the end of the 12wbt. I've already done the majority of my Christmas shopping...this would be bonus money. Like a grand of bonus money. I've picked up extra hours since returning to work so financially I am better off on a fortnightly basis anyway. I don't need to put this money aside for anything. I've just paid my car registration for 12 months. I've paid off the Christmas laybys, only a few dollars left on them to collect. All the bills so far are up to date.....I really want to get a new wardrobe...shirts, skirts, underwear...outfits that FIT me.

A thousand dollars would go a LONG way to fitting me out right? Keeping in mind I need a lot of things...I've not bought myself new clothes for a long time. I think the last thing I bought was a pretty emerald green top that is now just huge on me. It was like $10 and that was a splurge.... A grand?? really? But then I think how much underwear costs. And bras? Ugh! Why does being a woman mean spending so much money! And I'd like some dresses to wear over summer and nothing I have now will fit properly.... Singlets, since I wear them all year round...jeans, jeans are expensive...I'd love some accessories...

I want to reinvent myself. And gosh darn it I acheived 180% of my target at work so I've earnt this bonus! 

I might have to stop looking at my reflection and a bit more at the clothing instead....

ooh...retail therapy I love you!

S. xo

Wednesday 12 October 2011

Weigh in!

Oh week three weigh in! I woke up this morning really anxious. I wasn't sure if the scales were going to be budging for me today at all.

I've had a few moments over the last week where I've been emotional and have eaten things...like a chocolate mint timtam...and I had a glass of coke....and look I know they're not good for me at all. But they made the pain melt away a little and I felt happy. Emotional eating huh? There have been times over this last week that have caught me off guard. Just feeling tears come streaming down my face when I least expected it. I've really missed him. Differently than usual. I always miss him. But I have really felt the heaviness of sadness this week. Not emptiness or a longing...just the weight of the reality.

I've had a lot of anxiety. Thoughts about my son and 'what if' something happens to me, or worse, something happens to him. I wake up in the middle of the night as a result. Or I have flashes when I'm driving in the car. It's horrible. I always thought that if one of us suddenly died it would be me. I never thought for a moment it would be him. My life insurance was always double that of his. He had all the passwords to my accounts. I could always picture us broken up, living seperately...but not having him dead. Every now and then I get waves of disbelief.  It's hard to remember sometimes that he is simply gone and never coming back. I'm not in denial...I know he's dead. But the enormity of the situation is sometimes hard to wrap my brain around. That when my son goes to school his Dad isn't going to be there waving him goodbye. Or that when he get a girlfriend he's not going to listen to his Dad's little jokes about it. Or that one day when my son has a child of his own, his Dad isn't going to be there to hug him and congratulate him. The long term reality...it's hard to really 'get' it. It's hard knowing that I'm grieving now, but my son will grieve for longer than any of us. He hasn't the comfort of memories. He is going to question himself. He's going to question his Dad. He's going to be angry and hurt and sad. And I have to allow him to feel those emotions...I can't protect him from them. It hurts....and dammit I think I deserved the timtam. Crying burns calories doesn't it?

So I weighed in. And you'll be happy to know that I lost a whole kilo :) Very happy with that, even if I do think it was a complete fluke. I need to resolve to overcome the emotional eating. Because when the waves hit hard I can see myself eating a packet of timtams, not just one. And once I start sliding that slope is going to become awfully slippery.


Monday 10 October 2011

You're fading away...

It was only a matter of time until I heard this. You're either too fat or you're too skinny? But I'm not even a healthy weight yet? Are people that uncomfortable with the fact I'm taking control of my body?
Bah. it bugs me. Can't there be a positive response? You look great! You look GREAT! Isn't looking great better than fading away to a shadow?

Sigh. I exercised the other night. I did a zumba video for about an hour. I made the mistake of exercising with a mirror behind me. For those of you familiar with zumba you'll know there are all sorts of turns and jumps and fancy things like that. I shudder thinking about how I look exercising. I wasn't naked, haha. No, I was wearing a sports bra and shorts. But I could see my belly in all it's jiggly glory as I turned in a circle. Not pretty.  It does make me more motivated to get rid of it, but knowing I've already lost so much weight...it makes me feel really ashamed about just how much more weight I was carrying.

I can remember last year, staying in this fancy Malaysian Hotel and catching a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror. I was horrified. You've just had a baby. You've just had a baby. You've just had a baby. They were the only words that made it ok. But to be honest, I can't blame pregnancy on the weight. I didn't gain that much during pregnancy. I was over weight to begin with. It's just a convenient excuse to say it was pregnancy. It was too much KFC, timtams and soft cheese.

So when I was told I was fading away to a shadow I said proudly that yes, I had lost weight, and I had another 10 kg to go. Shock! Horror! It was intentional! And another TEN kilos!? NO! You don't need to lose any more weight! yes....yes, I do....I saw the jiggly belly in the mirror. Just because you didn't see it jiggle doesn't mean it doesn't exist boss lady!

Off to zumba again...with a shirt on.

S.

Thursday 6 October 2011

When you were fat....

I'm sorry, what?

"I only remember you fat"....can you hear that?  Gosh it stings! A staff member I used to work with has transferred to my office and she said to me today she has to keep doing a double take because she only remembers the 'fat' me...

Hang on! She only remembers the PREGNANT me!! Did I really just look fat!?

It is like a slap across my face. I think the shock of the comment made my jaw drop a little.

I have lost ten kilos. Three on the 12wbt, seven prior to it's commencement. So I have lost weight...but goodness. I just didn't consider myself fat.

That word is so sharp. FAT.

Maybe I needed to hear it? It wasn't said with any malice.
 It was said in a sincere matter of factness that makes it worse.

But maybe I did need to hear it.

Because what is most important about it? It was said in a past tense. I can only remember you being fat....you're not fat NOW. You've made changes. They're noticeable. The effort is paying off. But you were fat.


 Are you going to be fat again?

S.

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Rewards...and another weigh in!

So I've been talking about the fact I want to get some rewards going for myself. I lose interest in things so easily, I want to make sure I'm keeping myself committed to the process for as long as I can. I can't help but WANT a reward if I know it's there for the taking so hopefully this will keep me focussed and on track to a healthy weight!

So...these are the things I'd really like to get sorted out

HAIR - trim, get rid of split ends. Colour and have a treatment put through. Get good shampoo and conditioner.
FACE - Eyebrow and eyelash tint,Eyebrow wax, facial? I've never had a facial. Lip Balm. Denist!
Teeth whitening? too extreme? I don't want to glow in the dark...
BODY -  Exfoliating body wash, Moisturising Cream for Arms, legs, everywhere
Bio oil for stretch marks and scar? Skin tag removal. UGH skin tags. Scary. Necessary. So, doctors appointment? I don't even know how to remove them. A tan? is that even safe? Leg wax. Bikini wax? Is that a reward or a punishment?  A MASSAGE...oh my goodness YES.
HANDS & FEET - Manicure, Pedicure, ongoing maintenance...lotions and potions and whatever else is needed.

I'm went and spoke to a beautician that I've used before and asked about the whole eyebrow wax and tint and they've said generally it will need to be redone every 4-6 weeks.... Well 4 weeks is a pretty good time frame really.  It just so happens to be when we'll be doing a fitness test (week 4, 8, 12)...So I was thinking that if I improve on something then I reward myself with an eyebrow wax. If I improve on two things, I get an eyebrow tint, if I improve on three things then I get an eyelash tint and so on. I need to price it up and see if I can afford to do it every month or not. 

Now for the weigh in.......

Down two more kilos!! Lucky me! 76! I don't know when I've ever been 76! SO awesome!  I can't believe how close I am to being the proud owner of a healthy BMI! yay!! Now I just need to keep my self pushing on and on and on. I always do well for a few weeks and then fall in a hole. I can't do that this time, I have to keep going! Have to!!


Hope weigh in day was pleasing for you as well. I'm a little worried about next week to be honest. I'm thinking I've exhausted all the 'luck' weight and now I actually have to work for it. It's that bit of doubt creeping in...... some one kick me


S.

Sunday 2 October 2011

Goodbye Week One, Hello Week Two!

So, we've done a week.  I'm definitely feeling different already! But so much has happened this week who knows if it's been the 12wbt or one of the other random issues in my life.

Let's start with the physical changes.

Well, most happy to say that when I weighed in on Wednesday the scales were kind and I was a whole kilo lighter. Given that the challenge only started on Monday and my start weight was recorded on the weekend, that was very exciting to see! However....this has been the week of illness in my household. My sister, nephew, son and myself are all ill. Running noses, coughing, temperatures, dizziness. It hasn't been very pretty. Both my sister and I have lost our voices. It's very hard to control a two year old (nephew) with no voice! I went through a few days earlier in the week  with muscle pain from changing my exercise routine and then into utter lethargy...couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep. Ugh. Horrible! I'm still sick now. I've still got no voice. Everyone else is getting better thank goodness, but I took a little bit longer to fall, so I'm clearly taking my time to get back up!

The emotional side of things this week.... Well to be perfectly honest it's been shit. My Grandfather died on Thursday. It was the month anniversary of my partner dying on Wednesday. I spent Friday afternoon at the cemetery. It's been an emotionally draining week, like most have been for the last... I don't know, eternity? I can't remember times where I've not been crying or sulking and I just feel exhausted by it.  Don't get me wrong, I don't sit at home all day surrounded in tissues (well, except this week but it was my noses fault!)  but it was hard. Last Sunday we had the first family get together since my partner passed...I found myself crying in the lounge room alone because there wasn't anyone there to exchange looks with. It was hard to drive there and it was hard to be there, waiting for someone to say something, ask something, offer something. But it didn't happen. Maybe the silence around it made it worse. It made me wonder if everybody there knew.

Thursday evening just knocked the wind out of me. Hearing the words 'your grandfather died'... I just walked away from the phone. My sister continued the call with our mum and I was just sobbing. I ended up in the bathroom being sick because I couldn't get any air due to all this bloody congestion. The numbness soon set in. Goodbye appetite that I worked SO hard to get back (I went easily a week or two after S died without eating properly). It still doesn't feel like I've understood it. I loved my Grandfather, he was such a special part of my life. There is an emptiness. Different to losing S. Losing S can't be compared to anything. But this death I've been expecting, anticipating. There is a sadness but also a relief, knowing he is at peace. It's come so much quicker. The funeral isn't going to be for two weeks. So in the mean time I need to focus on gaining clarity all over again. 2011 has been an interesting year, that's for sure!

What else about this week...
OH. Rewards. I think it's so important to get some kind of reward as I go along. I like rewards......especially those in the form of chocolate! But that's not an option.

So, I've started making a list, head to toe of the things I want 'fixed'. All of it, nit picking all the way. This is a time in my life I can take absolutely control so why the heck not! I'll post it seperately, but the list is pretty enormous!

Hope week two is great for all of you!

S.



Saturday 1 October 2011

So I thought I'd do some market research on sizing. I have always liked the idea of being a size ten...I would love to pick up a pair of jeans and see that lovely number stamped on the tag and be able to slide them on with ease. But what is a size ten?

So during my googling I came across many websites telling me that Australia doesn't have a standard sizing for women or men. Just for kids. Well that makes it more difficult doesn't it! This is why you can be a size 16 at one shop and a size 12 at the next. Apparently it's all to do with flattery in some stores and selection of 'preferred' body types in others....So if you're actually bigger the store might mark you down a size so you'll get all excited and buy the item...where as others might mark you up outside their "standard" range so that you can't wear their clothes at all. Oh the world we live in!

Many of the more prestigious brands I searched didn't even offer a sizing guide. I couldn't find one for Myer Miss Shop, Cue, Review (I love their range, one day I might fit!), the list goes on. Not surprisingly for the lower end on the chain they're happy to give me that information without any hesitation.

So,  what I found is in the tables below....... I have no idea where I fit! And the stupid thing is a centimeter is such a tiny unit of measurement. Why are some of these brands a single centimeter different?  Why do some favour bigger hips? It's all so bizarre


SIZE TEN
Big W
Kmart
Target
Portman’s
Just Jeans
Cotton on
Country Road
Supre
Bust
90
90
87
91
89.5
90
89
89
Waist
70
70
68
72
70
70
69
69
Hips
95
95
93
98
97
95
96
99



SIZE TWELVE
Big W
Kmart
Target
Portman’s
Just Jeans
Cotton on
Country Road
Supre
Bust
95
95
92
96
94.5
95
94
94
Waist
75
75
73
77
75
75
74
74
Hips
100
100
98
103
102
100
101
104



SIZE FOURTEEN
Big W
Kmart
Target
Portman’s
Just Jeans
Cotton on
Country Road
Supre
Bust
100
100
97
101
99.5
100
99
99
Waist
80
80
78
82
80
80
79
76
Hips
105
105
103
108
107
105
106
109


Oh, and for a laugh, can you make sense of this sizing guide? Because I sure as hell couldn't figure it out! Why is the size fourteen smaller than the size eight? Why is the extra extra extra small 84cm or 84" on the hips?  I don't think most girls in an XXL would have a hip measurement exceeding 220cm...


I think I might just aim for clothes that fit well.... what a ridiculous country we live in!

S.