I've had a few moments over the last week where I've been emotional and have eaten things...like a chocolate mint timtam...and I had a glass of coke....and look I know they're not good for me at all. But they made the pain melt away a little and I felt happy. Emotional eating huh? There have been times over this last week that have caught me off guard. Just feeling tears come streaming down my face when I least expected it. I've really missed him. Differently than usual. I always miss him. But I have really felt the heaviness of sadness this week. Not emptiness or a longing...just the weight of the reality.
I've had a lot of anxiety. Thoughts about my son and 'what if' something happens to me, or worse, something happens to him. I wake up in the middle of the night as a result. Or I have flashes when I'm driving in the car. It's horrible. I always thought that if one of us suddenly died it would be me. I never thought for a moment it would be him. My life insurance was always double that of his. He had all the passwords to my accounts. I could always picture us broken up, living seperately...but not having him dead. Every now and then I get waves of disbelief. It's hard to remember sometimes that he is simply gone and never coming back. I'm not in denial...I know he's dead. But the enormity of the situation is sometimes hard to wrap my brain around. That when my son goes to school his Dad isn't going to be there waving him goodbye. Or that when he get a girlfriend he's not going to listen to his Dad's little jokes about it. Or that one day when my son has a child of his own, his Dad isn't going to be there to hug him and congratulate him. The long term reality...it's hard to really 'get' it. It's hard knowing that I'm grieving now, but my son will grieve for longer than any of us. He hasn't the comfort of memories. He is going to question himself. He's going to question his Dad. He's going to be angry and hurt and sad. And I have to allow him to feel those emotions...I can't protect him from them. It hurts....and dammit I think I deserved the timtam. Crying burns calories doesn't it?
So I weighed in. And you'll be happy to know that I lost a whole kilo :) Very happy with that, even if I do think it was a complete fluke. I need to resolve to overcome the emotional eating. Because when the waves hit hard I can see myself eating a packet of timtams, not just one. And once I start sliding that slope is going to become awfully slippery.
