I am still here

I did weigh in.

Have not yet measured.

But I will post as soon as I can! Well, properly!

S. x

Ooh! Win!

So, after my post yesterday about my trousers being waaaaaaaaaaaay too big. I tried on my size twelve jeans west jeans.....

and.

they.

fit!!

YAY!

I could do with losing a bit more of the muffin top but they are on, they're buttoned, they're zipped and they don't look too shabby!  I am so excited!

My aim is to get to a size 10. I have another seven kilos to lose before I get to my goal weight. I'm not 100% sure I'm going to get to that size ten but I will be pretty close.

Putting these jeans on this morning was a HUGE motivation boost. I feel like I'm getting somewhere! I think sometimes you lose weight but can't see immediate results and just give up. At least I do. I've not lost a small amount here, I've lost over ten kilos. But I'm getting there.

Another thing... I'm expecting a gain or no loss this coming Wednesday... I feel crampy and bloated. Yeah, you know whar I mean. Ugh. But onwards! At least I'm prepared for it now so that I won't be disappointed if it happens. It isn't going to stop me. Size ten here I come.

Fitness test next week! Nervous! Excited!

S.

Shop windows

I think I'm becoming vain. I keep assessing my silhouette when I'm out in public. Glancing sideways at my reflection as I walk through the shopping centre. I can see a difference! I found myself today, waiting at the doors to allow customers out of our store, staring at myself on the security monitor. Is that really me? I kept turning slightly to the side to see how I looked! Vainity!!

My trousers are falling off me. They are size 16 I think, and I would think I'm now a 12. But they were sliding down all day long and I was loving it. Even if it did make me look terribly unprofessional, having to get up and hike up my clothes haha.

My clothing isn't fitting right. My jeans need a belt. My trousers don't come close to staying up. My tight fitted shirts are baggy, especially around my bust. Why is it you lose weight off your bust but not your thighs? rude. I have people tell me on a daily  basis that they can see I'm losing weight. I am really appreciating hearing it. It makes it feel worthwhile. Like the effort is paying off. Though most people ask if it's because I can't eat due to the grief. No, thank you, this is effort right here. I'm working for this now. The crying off kilos has ended.

I'm down 11 kilos, four since the beginning of the 12wbt. I am earning a new wardrobe.....ooh. I so want to go shopping! I can't afford to. I have to remind myself that I'm a single parent and on a single income and I need to get ahead financially, not be buying pretty dresses....

But surely I need clothes that fit, right?  I remembered today that I get a bonus around Christmas time...which would be right around the end of the 12wbt. I've already done the majority of my Christmas shopping...this would be bonus money. Like a grand of bonus money. I've picked up extra hours since returning to work so financially I am better off on a fortnightly basis anyway. I don't need to put this money aside for anything. I've just paid my car registration for 12 months. I've paid off the Christmas laybys, only a few dollars left on them to collect. All the bills so far are up to date.....I really want to get a new wardrobe...shirts, skirts, underwear...outfits that FIT me.

A thousand dollars would go a LONG way to fitting me out right? Keeping in mind I need a lot of things...I've not bought myself new clothes for a long time. I think the last thing I bought was a pretty emerald green top that is now just huge on me. It was like $10 and that was a splurge.... A grand?? really? But then I think how much underwear costs. And bras? Ugh! Why does being a woman mean spending so much money! And I'd like some dresses to wear over summer and nothing I have now will fit properly.... Singlets, since I wear them all year round...jeans, jeans are expensive...I'd love some accessories...

I want to reinvent myself. And gosh darn it I acheived 180% of my target at work so I've earnt this bonus! 

I might have to stop looking at my reflection and a bit more at the clothing instead....

ooh...retail therapy I love you!

S. xo

Weigh in!

Oh week three weigh in! I woke up this morning really anxious. I wasn't sure if the scales were going to be budging for me today at all.

I've had a few moments over the last week where I've been emotional and have eaten things...like a chocolate mint timtam...and I had a glass of coke....and look I know they're not good for me at all. But they made the pain melt away a little and I felt happy. Emotional eating huh? There have been times over this last week that have caught me off guard. Just feeling tears come streaming down my face when I least expected it. I've really missed him. Differently than usual. I always miss him. But I have really felt the heaviness of sadness this week. Not emptiness or a longing...just the weight of the reality.

I've had a lot of anxiety. Thoughts about my son and 'what if' something happens to me, or worse, something happens to him. I wake up in the middle of the night as a result. Or I have flashes when I'm driving in the car. It's horrible. I always thought that if one of us suddenly died it would be me. I never thought for a moment it would be him. My life insurance was always double that of his. He had all the passwords to my accounts. I could always picture us broken up, living seperately...but not having him dead. Every now and then I get waves of disbelief.  It's hard to remember sometimes that he is simply gone and never coming back. I'm not in denial...I know he's dead. But the enormity of the situation is sometimes hard to wrap my brain around. That when my son goes to school his Dad isn't going to be there waving him goodbye. Or that when he get a girlfriend he's not going to listen to his Dad's little jokes about it. Or that one day when my son has a child of his own, his Dad isn't going to be there to hug him and congratulate him. The long term reality...it's hard to really 'get' it. It's hard knowing that I'm grieving now, but my son will grieve for longer than any of us. He hasn't the comfort of memories. He is going to question himself. He's going to question his Dad. He's going to be angry and hurt and sad. And I have to allow him to feel those emotions...I can't protect him from them. It hurts....and dammit I think I deserved the timtam. Crying burns calories doesn't it?

So I weighed in. And you'll be happy to know that I lost a whole kilo :) Very happy with that, even if I do think it was a complete fluke. I need to resolve to overcome the emotional eating. Because when the waves hit hard I can see myself eating a packet of timtams, not just one. And once I start sliding that slope is going to become awfully slippery.

You're fading away...

It was only a matter of time until I heard this. You're either too fat or you're too skinny? But I'm not even a healthy weight yet? Are people that uncomfortable with the fact I'm taking control of my body?
Bah. it bugs me. Can't there be a positive response? You look great! You look GREAT! Isn't looking great better than fading away to a shadow?

Sigh. I exercised the other night. I did a zumba video for about an hour. I made the mistake of exercising with a mirror behind me. For those of you familiar with zumba you'll know there are all sorts of turns and jumps and fancy things like that. I shudder thinking about how I look exercising. I wasn't naked, haha. No, I was wearing a sports bra and shorts. But I could see my belly in all it's jiggly glory as I turned in a circle. Not pretty.  It does make me more motivated to get rid of it, but knowing I've already lost so much weight...it makes me feel really ashamed about just how much more weight I was carrying.

I can remember last year, staying in this fancy Malaysian Hotel and catching a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror. I was horrified. You've just had a baby. You've just had a baby. You've just had a baby. They were the only words that made it ok. But to be honest, I can't blame pregnancy on the weight. I didn't gain that much during pregnancy. I was over weight to begin with. It's just a convenient excuse to say it was pregnancy. It was too much KFC, timtams and soft cheese.

So when I was told I was fading away to a shadow I said proudly that yes, I had lost weight, and I had another 10 kg to go. Shock! Horror! It was intentional! And another TEN kilos!? NO! You don't need to lose any more weight! yes....yes, I do....I saw the jiggly belly in the mirror. Just because you didn't see it jiggle doesn't mean it doesn't exist boss lady!

Off to zumba again...with a shirt on.

S.

When you were fat....

I'm sorry, what?

"I only remember you fat"....can you hear that?  Gosh it stings! A staff member I used to work with has transferred to my office and she said to me today she has to keep doing a double take because she only remembers the 'fat' me...

Hang on! She only remembers the PREGNANT me!! Did I really just look fat!?

It is like a slap across my face. I think the shock of the comment made my jaw drop a little.

I have lost ten kilos. Three on the 12wbt, seven prior to it's commencement. So I have lost weight...but goodness. I just didn't consider myself fat.

That word is so sharp. FAT.

Maybe I needed to hear it? It wasn't said with any malice.
 It was said in a sincere matter of factness that makes it worse.

But maybe I did need to hear it.

Because what is most important about it? It was said in a past tense. I can only remember you being fat....you're not fat NOW. You've made changes. They're noticeable. The effort is paying off. But you were fat.


 Are you going to be fat again?

S.

Rewards...and another weigh in!

So I've been talking about the fact I want to get some rewards going for myself. I lose interest in things so easily, I want to make sure I'm keeping myself committed to the process for as long as I can. I can't help but WANT a reward if I know it's there for the taking so hopefully this will keep me focussed and on track to a healthy weight!

So...these are the things I'd really like to get sorted out

HAIR - trim, get rid of split ends. Colour and have a treatment put through. Get good shampoo and conditioner.
FACE - Eyebrow and eyelash tint,Eyebrow wax, facial? I've never had a facial. Lip Balm. Denist!
Teeth whitening? too extreme? I don't want to glow in the dark...
BODY -  Exfoliating body wash, Moisturising Cream for Arms, legs, everywhere
Bio oil for stretch marks and scar? Skin tag removal. UGH skin tags. Scary. Necessary. So, doctors appointment? I don't even know how to remove them. A tan? is that even safe? Leg wax. Bikini wax? Is that a reward or a punishment?  A MASSAGE...oh my goodness YES.
HANDS & FEET - Manicure, Pedicure, ongoing maintenance...lotions and potions and whatever else is needed.

I'm went and spoke to a beautician that I've used before and asked about the whole eyebrow wax and tint and they've said generally it will need to be redone every 4-6 weeks.... Well 4 weeks is a pretty good time frame really.  It just so happens to be when we'll be doing a fitness test (week 4, 8, 12)...So I was thinking that if I improve on something then I reward myself with an eyebrow wax. If I improve on two things, I get an eyebrow tint, if I improve on three things then I get an eyelash tint and so on. I need to price it up and see if I can afford to do it every month or not. 

Now for the weigh in.......

Down two more kilos!! Lucky me! 76! I don't know when I've ever been 76! SO awesome!  I can't believe how close I am to being the proud owner of a healthy BMI! yay!! Now I just need to keep my self pushing on and on and on. I always do well for a few weeks and then fall in a hole. I can't do that this time, I have to keep going! Have to!!

Hope weigh in day was pleasing for you as well. I'm a little worried about next week to be honest. I'm thinking I've exhausted all the 'luck' weight and now I actually have to work for it. It's that bit of doubt creeping in...... some one kick me

S.