Here we go again

OK, lets start over. You might remember me? I started a twelve week body transformation and then piked after six weeks? yeaaaaah.....sorry. Life got in the way. An excuse? maybe. But let's face it last year was crappy. Fiancé died. Grandfather died. Court dramas with ex husband. Sister's marriage breaking up. Moving house. Breast Cancer freak out. It was a long crappy year.

2012 is going to be better.

Why?
Because I don't think it's possible to top the crapiness that was 2011.  Knock on wood. Lots. But I really do not think it could possibly be worse.

Where am I now? It's been four months since S died. They have been long, crappy, tiring months. But I feel pretty good and optimistic in general. For those of you that have no clue what I'm on about, S was my fiancé and the father of my beautiful boy. He committed suicide in August 2011 and I found his body. Then a month and one day later my Grandfather died.  Then the next month I found lumps in my breasts and had to do a stack of tests... I am quite happy to leave all the drama of 2011 in the past for sure.

I am slowly but surely starting to rebuild. I've even been on a few dates.  GASP. SHOCK. HORROR. Yeah, I know, I am actually actively trying to find happiness. Don't worry, I'm not jumping in the deep end...we're just talking male company for a dinner or a movie.  How can I even think of moving on? Simple reason. Because I can't possibly NOT move on. I refuse to sit in a miserable mess of tissues and snot and just sob the rest of my life away. S is gone. He isn't coming back. I know this because I looked at  the front door about a hundred thousand times wishing like hell I'd see his boots resting on the door mat. But he's not coming back.  And my life is still going on and I'm lonely as hell. I want some adult company, where conversations aren't about not throwing food on the floor, playing nicely and needing nappy changes. I need some sanity! There is zero desire for a serious all in relationship and any prospects get the full details of where I've been and were I am headed and they decide if they're up for the ride.

I believe my weight has been maintained since I stopped the last 12wbt. Still at 75, Still really need to lose another 10kg. 7 I'd be stoked with to be quite honest. 3kg and I'm a healthy weight. WOOOT!  My iron levels are non-existent. I just had my levels done and my ferritin is wiped out completely. My thyroid, kidneys and liver are pretty plucky though. I went to the dentist today and had them scrape and chisel and turn my mouth back into what 'healthy' looks like it needs to stay this way!! My legs need exfoliating and my skin is drrrrryyyyyy. My face is unhappy, needs moisturising like I used to do. My hair is ready for a new colour and trim. I've not been awesome at looking after myself over the last few months but this is all about to change!

We're back in the game. FULL body transformation, not just the number on the scales. This is going into include the emotional stuff too. Why? Because If I don't deal with it I will be binging on tim tams sooner or later....so sorry, you get to listen to me whine about all of that stuff too.

Hold on, this could be a bumpy ride!


S x

I am still here

I did weigh in.

Have not yet measured.

But I will post as soon as I can! Well, properly!

S. x

Ooh! Win!

So, after my post yesterday about my trousers being waaaaaaaaaaaay too big. I tried on my size twelve jeans west jeans.....

and.

they.

fit!!

YAY!

I could do with losing a bit more of the muffin top but they are on, they're buttoned, they're zipped and they don't look too shabby!  I am so excited!

My aim is to get to a size 10. I have another seven kilos to lose before I get to my goal weight. I'm not 100% sure I'm going to get to that size ten but I will be pretty close.

Putting these jeans on this morning was a HUGE motivation boost. I feel like I'm getting somewhere! I think sometimes you lose weight but can't see immediate results and just give up. At least I do. I've not lost a small amount here, I've lost over ten kilos. But I'm getting there.

Another thing... I'm expecting a gain or no loss this coming Wednesday... I feel crampy and bloated. Yeah, you know whar I mean. Ugh. But onwards! At least I'm prepared for it now so that I won't be disappointed if it happens. It isn't going to stop me. Size ten here I come.

Fitness test next week! Nervous! Excited!

S.

Shop windows

I think I'm becoming vain. I keep assessing my silhouette when I'm out in public. Glancing sideways at my reflection as I walk through the shopping centre. I can see a difference! I found myself today, waiting at the doors to allow customers out of our store, staring at myself on the security monitor. Is that really me? I kept turning slightly to the side to see how I looked! Vainity!!

My trousers are falling off me. They are size 16 I think, and I would think I'm now a 12. But they were sliding down all day long and I was loving it. Even if it did make me look terribly unprofessional, having to get up and hike up my clothes haha.

My clothing isn't fitting right. My jeans need a belt. My trousers don't come close to staying up. My tight fitted shirts are baggy, especially around my bust. Why is it you lose weight off your bust but not your thighs? rude. I have people tell me on a daily  basis that they can see I'm losing weight. I am really appreciating hearing it. It makes it feel worthwhile. Like the effort is paying off. Though most people ask if it's because I can't eat due to the grief. No, thank you, this is effort right here. I'm working for this now. The crying off kilos has ended.

I'm down 11 kilos, four since the beginning of the 12wbt. I am earning a new wardrobe.....ooh. I so want to go shopping! I can't afford to. I have to remind myself that I'm a single parent and on a single income and I need to get ahead financially, not be buying pretty dresses....

But surely I need clothes that fit, right?  I remembered today that I get a bonus around Christmas time...which would be right around the end of the 12wbt. I've already done the majority of my Christmas shopping...this would be bonus money. Like a grand of bonus money. I've picked up extra hours since returning to work so financially I am better off on a fortnightly basis anyway. I don't need to put this money aside for anything. I've just paid my car registration for 12 months. I've paid off the Christmas laybys, only a few dollars left on them to collect. All the bills so far are up to date.....I really want to get a new wardrobe...shirts, skirts, underwear...outfits that FIT me.

A thousand dollars would go a LONG way to fitting me out right? Keeping in mind I need a lot of things...I've not bought myself new clothes for a long time. I think the last thing I bought was a pretty emerald green top that is now just huge on me. It was like $10 and that was a splurge.... A grand?? really? But then I think how much underwear costs. And bras? Ugh! Why does being a woman mean spending so much money! And I'd like some dresses to wear over summer and nothing I have now will fit properly.... Singlets, since I wear them all year round...jeans, jeans are expensive...I'd love some accessories...

I want to reinvent myself. And gosh darn it I acheived 180% of my target at work so I've earnt this bonus! 

I might have to stop looking at my reflection and a bit more at the clothing instead....

ooh...retail therapy I love you!

S. xo

Weigh in!

Oh week three weigh in! I woke up this morning really anxious. I wasn't sure if the scales were going to be budging for me today at all.

I've had a few moments over the last week where I've been emotional and have eaten things...like a chocolate mint timtam...and I had a glass of coke....and look I know they're not good for me at all. But they made the pain melt away a little and I felt happy. Emotional eating huh? There have been times over this last week that have caught me off guard. Just feeling tears come streaming down my face when I least expected it. I've really missed him. Differently than usual. I always miss him. But I have really felt the heaviness of sadness this week. Not emptiness or a longing...just the weight of the reality.

I've had a lot of anxiety. Thoughts about my son and 'what if' something happens to me, or worse, something happens to him. I wake up in the middle of the night as a result. Or I have flashes when I'm driving in the car. It's horrible. I always thought that if one of us suddenly died it would be me. I never thought for a moment it would be him. My life insurance was always double that of his. He had all the passwords to my accounts. I could always picture us broken up, living seperately...but not having him dead. Every now and then I get waves of disbelief.  It's hard to remember sometimes that he is simply gone and never coming back. I'm not in denial...I know he's dead. But the enormity of the situation is sometimes hard to wrap my brain around. That when my son goes to school his Dad isn't going to be there waving him goodbye. Or that when he get a girlfriend he's not going to listen to his Dad's little jokes about it. Or that one day when my son has a child of his own, his Dad isn't going to be there to hug him and congratulate him. The long term reality...it's hard to really 'get' it. It's hard knowing that I'm grieving now, but my son will grieve for longer than any of us. He hasn't the comfort of memories. He is going to question himself. He's going to question his Dad. He's going to be angry and hurt and sad. And I have to allow him to feel those emotions...I can't protect him from them. It hurts....and dammit I think I deserved the timtam. Crying burns calories doesn't it?

So I weighed in. And you'll be happy to know that I lost a whole kilo :) Very happy with that, even if I do think it was a complete fluke. I need to resolve to overcome the emotional eating. Because when the waves hit hard I can see myself eating a packet of timtams, not just one. And once I start sliding that slope is going to become awfully slippery.

You're fading away...

It was only a matter of time until I heard this. You're either too fat or you're too skinny? But I'm not even a healthy weight yet? Are people that uncomfortable with the fact I'm taking control of my body?
Bah. it bugs me. Can't there be a positive response? You look great! You look GREAT! Isn't looking great better than fading away to a shadow?

Sigh. I exercised the other night. I did a zumba video for about an hour. I made the mistake of exercising with a mirror behind me. For those of you familiar with zumba you'll know there are all sorts of turns and jumps and fancy things like that. I shudder thinking about how I look exercising. I wasn't naked, haha. No, I was wearing a sports bra and shorts. But I could see my belly in all it's jiggly glory as I turned in a circle. Not pretty.  It does make me more motivated to get rid of it, but knowing I've already lost so much weight...it makes me feel really ashamed about just how much more weight I was carrying.

I can remember last year, staying in this fancy Malaysian Hotel and catching a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror. I was horrified. You've just had a baby. You've just had a baby. You've just had a baby. They were the only words that made it ok. But to be honest, I can't blame pregnancy on the weight. I didn't gain that much during pregnancy. I was over weight to begin with. It's just a convenient excuse to say it was pregnancy. It was too much KFC, timtams and soft cheese.

So when I was told I was fading away to a shadow I said proudly that yes, I had lost weight, and I had another 10 kg to go. Shock! Horror! It was intentional! And another TEN kilos!? NO! You don't need to lose any more weight! yes....yes, I do....I saw the jiggly belly in the mirror. Just because you didn't see it jiggle doesn't mean it doesn't exist boss lady!

Off to zumba again...with a shirt on.

S.

When you were fat....

I'm sorry, what?

"I only remember you fat"....can you hear that?  Gosh it stings! A staff member I used to work with has transferred to my office and she said to me today she has to keep doing a double take because she only remembers the 'fat' me...

Hang on! She only remembers the PREGNANT me!! Did I really just look fat!?

It is like a slap across my face. I think the shock of the comment made my jaw drop a little.

I have lost ten kilos. Three on the 12wbt, seven prior to it's commencement. So I have lost weight...but goodness. I just didn't consider myself fat.

That word is so sharp. FAT.

Maybe I needed to hear it? It wasn't said with any malice.
 It was said in a sincere matter of factness that makes it worse.

But maybe I did need to hear it.

Because what is most important about it? It was said in a past tense. I can only remember you being fat....you're not fat NOW. You've made changes. They're noticeable. The effort is paying off. But you were fat.


 Are you going to be fat again?

S.